Happy Soulentine!
by The Holt
Summary: Anor Londo's Annual Soulentine Banquet is being held, but will Smough get a Soulentine? For the Alone in the Blight's event thing...


**A/N: Be ready for some stupid-ass story! Happy Soulentines!**

**Anor Londo, City of the Gods**

I sighed. I turned the corner to see Ornstein surrounded by women from the Lords Blades, all giggling and listening to lame his compliments and looking at his flashy armour and spear.

"Ah, yes, I find you positively electrifying, Greta ..." He purred. "Oh, it seems we have company!" Simultaneously, every eye turned to me as I stomped into view.

"Hold on ladies, I'll handle this..." Ornstein began, flicking his red ponytail to the side heroically. I just continued walking through the corridor, casually picking him up in my left hand, holding my enormous hammer effortlessly in my right.

"Don't worry my sweets! I'll be back for you!" Ornstein yelled back over my spiked shoulder, before turning to face my golden faced helmet with his chrome lion one.  
"Alright, I'm guessing this is about the banquet?"  
I continued walking silently for a few moments, only the clanking of my armour, the crunching of the tiles at my feet and the distant sound of chatter reverberating throughout the small corridor.  
"_Yes." _I muttered in my insanely deep voice. "_There's a problem we have to fix at the main entrance, Gwyn's order."  
_Ornstein stared blankly at me, and then looked out at the oncoming main hall. "I see."

...

Once I had placed Ornstein on the ground, we promptly walked past a pyromancer impressing a Lords Blade with a fire display and continued out the entrance. Outside at the gate, the Giant Sentinels were busy with crowd control. Only the most high-class of humans were allowed inside for the Soulentines Great Banquet, and we were charged with keeping it that way. Those with helpful talents were allowed through, people such as cooks and so on.

"Oi! We want to get in and have some of that fine food you got!" yelled an angry Burg resident at one of the sentinels, as others tried to push past the giant horizontal halberd.  
"_No peasants allowed. Oh look, here are the reinforcements."  
_The peasants stopped fighting when Ornstein and I emerged from the huge gates.  
"Give us some of that food, fatty! You look like you could spare some!" The first peasant yelled at me. The city shook for a split second, and people suddenly stumbled back, coated with the blood and gore from my hammer, which now sat snugly in his place. I laughed. The peasants all started running back to the holes where they came from, except one very tall and heavily muscled women with a sack over her head and a giant meat-cleaver in the other. She laughed as well.  
I stopped my laughter and stared at her as she continued to laugh. When her laughing died down, she turned to me and said "Nicely handled, big boy. I'm the cook from the Burg." She eyed me up and down, and then gestured for me to let her through.

I raised my hammer with two hands and let her go, watching her through my helmet visor walk towards the side door, open it, and disappear inside. For a moment I stood there with a strange feeling, but then I was interrupted by Ornstein nudging me with his elbow.

"Oh ho! Well, I'd say she's a keeper, 'Big Boy'!" He said with a laugh.  
"Maybe you could join us at the banquet this year if you have a partner, and she seems perfect for you, if she puts on some clothes other than those rags..."  
Something seemed familiar about her... That was it! She was one of the Man-eaters from the burg, the cannibalistic cooks. I was also cannibalistic, and the Man-eaters usually looked a whole lot worse than her. '_I may as well go and try my luck.' _I thought.

I guess you could say Ornstein is my only friend, or at least the closest thing to one, so I said to him, "_Ornstein, I think I should ask that 'cook' to be my Soulentine. What do you think?"  
_Ornstein turned from facing the now-empty front gate to me, sighed, and then said "Go ahead, I'll stay right here..." He waved me away. Hefting my hammer over my shoulder, I stomped off towards the kitchens with a spring in my step. On the way, I almost stepped on Artorias who was chatting to Ciaran. "SMOUGH! STOP! What's the rush?!" He yelled as I almost stumbled onto him.  
"_Oh, um, sorry Artorias. So, is Ciaran your Soulentine?" _I randomly asked.Artorias stopped at this and started to turn red, whilst Ciaran's face lit up at the thought. I laughed and continued on my way, leaving them blushing and stuttering to each other.

When I arrived there was a bustle of activity going on, and I stood in the doorway looking for her. "For Gwyn's sake! MOVE!" A small cook screamed at me, trying to move past my immense armour and start serving the tables. I stepped in to the kitchens to let him past and saw an oxen cut up into huge chunks for the guest. "Why's it so hard to cut?" A young cook complained, and she jumped out of her skin when she saw me raise my hammer. I brought it down upon the piece of oxen, completely tenderizing it and cracking the table. I laughed again. This hammer made anything fun. Suddenly, a giant cleaver slammed down, cutting the meat _and_ the table in half. This Man-eater was practically just as crazy as me. That was hot.

"Well, what are you doing here again?" She asked, hefting the cleaver onto her shoulder.  
"_Will you be my Soulentine?"_ I asked up front, standing stoic. "Well, yeah, I guess." She said. "I'm Mildred, and what's _your_ name?" She asked.  
"_Smough the Executioner, at your service." _I said to her, with a bow.  
"OH NO! GET YOUR GROTTY LOVE OUTTA MY KITCHENS!" yelled the head Chef.

...

We stood on the balcony overlooking Anor Londo after we had been chatting about the different flavours of people. 'Then she looked at me. "You know, I wouldn't mind getting a taste of _you." _ She said, licking her lips.'  
We burst out laughing. '50 Shades of Gwyn: Sunlight edition' was the stupidest thing we had ever read. She fell into my arms trying to breath. "Oh my lords that was good." She said, wiping a tear from her eye. I tried to stop my booming laughter as well.

We sat there for a while, enjoying each other's company, and then I turned to her and asked "Ready to get hammered?"

FIN

A/N: ...I warned you.


End file.
